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1  Production Notes / The Script / The Unattainable (poem)
 on: 05/25/14 at 11:22:11 
Started by amgoth2000 | Post by amgoth2000  
Where idea came from: I am part of another website (a knitting site) and people post stuff all the time, someone posted a thread and said in the header ďI saw a mothĒ (in someone that either knits or crochets the word ďmothĒ engenders absolute mind bending terror) and it just hit me hard, like a tree landed on me, and the whole poem started coming out BUT itís a little choppy :( †I am very sorry about that but Iím still suffering from a severe case of writerís block

I started this a long long time ago, itís taken all this time to be completed, I have one more in the same boat siiiiigh

5/25/2014: I thought I had posted this! †I checked and it appears I never did post this here (or even on my site!)m smacks head oof!

The Unattainable
As a moth is drawn to a flame
I am drawn to the danger innate in
Entangling myself in you
And your extravagant (and unachievable) demands
All in the name of somehow reclaiming
My sole remaining parental figure
Since Mother is . . . indisposed . . .
You are my father though
And for years (the whole of my life it seems)
Iíve yearned to be like you
Wanting to impress you
Wanting nothing more than acceptance
. . . and love

Iíd pay any price
Say any lie
Steal every penny from everyone around
Betray anyone, dad
Just to hear you say
ďYou are my sonĒ
And ďI love youĒ

But Iíll have a long wait
Itíll never happen (this I know with chilling certainty)
Because you wonít allow me entry into your heart or home

All this and more
Strolls through my head
As we eyeball each other
Across a room filled with invitees to your latest soiree (how fun)
I uncomfortably observe you glaring at me
Itís rude to stare, dad (Mother told me so)
Throwing titanium daggers my way
I wonder what I have done this time
And how do I undo it?
Because sometimes, dad,
You really do throw more at me
Than even I can handle
Itís in your glance (and glare)
Itís in the tone of your voice (and the way you shout)
You express disapproval
With every atom of your being

I stare you down
Throwing daggers right back at you
I am your son after all, dad
And I wonít back down

And if little sister didnít interrupt our staring contest
I like to think I may have beaten you for once
I know youíd disagree
But you donít get a vote

I see you both walk away
Heads huddled
Strategizing perhaps?
Or has yet another crisis ensued?

Your hand gently touches her shoulder
Trying to comfort and support her I suppose
And pure unparalleled envy courses through me
Jealousy is an ugly word but it . . . fits
What do I have to do for you to turn to me
And show an iota of . . . anything toward me?
But affection and caring are alien to us
These are words missing in the dictionary
We carry around with us

Is there anything I can do (anything)
That would make you show . . . love? . . . in my direction
Without the yelling and the pushing
Without the doubts and the condensation
And the look of pure disgust that crosses your face when . . . you look at me
Tell me the price, dad
Iíll pay it in full

I stand stock still
Feet cemented to the ground
Barely even breathing
Waiting (hoping) you return
Wanting yet another chance
To garner your attention
Whether you approve of me or not
I endlessly seek your acceptance

Another chance to prove . . .
. . . I am your son
And I merit your . . . love . . .
Your . . . parental guidance and attention

Come back, dad . . . come back . . .

I stand here and struggle to maintain my composure
Trying to contain myself (mustnít let you see how anxious I am)
Acting as nonchalantly (yes yes I know, I am too obvious) as I can

But . . . does my desperation show?
Can you tell I need you to return?

I am, so to speak, betwixt and between two worlds
Not accepted here (or anywhere it seems),
The home I crave, or the hell I have been banished to
And yet . . . still I return over and over . . .

I wonder and debate with myself
Should I stay or should I leave
Peace resides far from here after all

I am too like Hamlet at times (or so Iíve been told numerous times)
I stand and ponder every step
With a lengthy soliloquy firmly in hand
While others stare at me
Perhaps wondering why I stay
I canít leave just yet though
I havenít been disowned or threatened today
And dad and I havenít had our verbal boxing match yet either
(Doesnít that sound . . . odd, even for us)

Come back dad . . . come back . . .
I have something special for you

Iíve saved and struggled
And fought for every crumb
Iíve earned the right to be your son
And Iíve amassed your full asking price
Come back and Iíll show you
Come back and Iíll pay your full fee
I really do have something that will interest you greatly, dad

As I continue to silently plead for you to return
A line echoes repeatedly in my head
Iím your son!

And then doubts invade me
You have to come back . . . right? . . . you have to . . .

2  Production Notes / The Script / My Escape (poem)
 on: 05/18/14 at 23:39:46 
Started by amgoth2000 | Post by amgoth2000  
I am in the process of fighting iTunes over them taking $101.06 out of my iTunes account without permission so I ran and got every CD in the house and started adding them to my iTunes account and found these two gems: 1) ďYouíre Still HereĒ by Faith Hill and 2) ďIím not supposed to still love youĒ by Bryan White. †Wow thatís all I can say, wow. I can personally relate to the Faith Hill song a lot and it is such a beautiful song. † I highly highly recommend both songs to everyone on the planet :) †This poem is really about the Faith Hill song though, I think I have listened to it 20 times since I found it by accident lol

My Escape
Another day in this bleak world
Brings me back here
I am ďhomeĒ
Such a bare and hollow place

The darkness welcomes me
Wrapping me in its soothing emptiness

I lay on our bed
Close my eyes
And drift away to our special place
Here, you still appear to me
Here, I can reach out and feel you beneath my fingertips
I can hear your laughter
And hold you tightly in my arms
You whisper your deepest desires in my ear
And I whisper back all of mine
In my dreams, we melt in one anotherís arms
And float across the ground
My heart beats again
And my entire being comes alive
Only here is life livable
Only here do I allow myself to feel

In whispers I admit
That there have been times,
In my lowest moments,
When I would swear I have seen or heard you
I have chased after your ghost,
Startling the women I have pursued,
Only to be disappointed
They are not you
No one is ever you

I am an underpaid actor when I am awake
I say my lines dutifully
Performing just as the script requires
But no amount of money could
Repay me for the loss of you
For I am an empty shell without you

I am completely lost without your presence

I miss the twinkle in your eyes when you laugh
I miss the joy in your laughter
I miss the sensation of you in my arms
I miss the essence of you, Mary

And I am not me without you beside me

Life without you is a desolate place
A barren land which is loveless and lifeless

When alone, I am incomplete
And life is barely livable

But I live for the nights
When I close my eyes
And I can once again return to our secret hideaway
My mind holds close the pictures it took
Itís a short movie which I repeat continually in my head
I wish I could remain there
For I have no life without you

I awake in the morning
To find you gone again
The weight in my chest grows heavier
But I gather myself and begin another day

Every morning is the same
There is darkness in the morning light

The loss of you
Has beaten my soul out of me

There is not one thing I would not do
To bring you back home to me

But still I try to make it through each day
Just so I can return home
To you
And our special place
I live for these moments with you
One day, I hope to never leave

3  Center Stage / Director's Cut / Re: November Challenge - Ten Reasons to Love Life
 on: 03/05/14 at 22:48:08 
Started by Titania | Post by amgoth2000  
This is the best I could, I tried hard to improve but I couldn't, sorry about that

They all bring meaning
In a bar
Loathing life and all in it
My next drink is being poured
When someone seated next to me, drinking as much (or more) than I,
And likely drinking for the same reason as I am as well
(Itís there; therefore, I drink)

Asked me with quiet desperation gleaming in her eyes for 10 reasons to love life
The question silenced me
And then the answer hit me . . . hard
I donít have 10 reasons . . . I have thousands . . .

My reasons for breathing are small
But they are all vital to my life

Each and every day, I am reminded why I love life

I awake in the morning
To my childís cry
And then I hear her laugh (as her mother comforts her)
I reach my little one and feel joy when she reaches out her small hand to mine
Anticipating that I will take it and play along with her

Looking up at her mother
Seeing her smile as she sees her husband and child connect with one another

Leaving home I inevitably collide into my father
My interactions with him are somewhat limited (we rarely get along)
We are either too alike or too dissimilar
I hear different reasons frequently (thatís a lie, all say I am just like him)

But I cannot fathom a world without him in it
For as difficult as he makes my life,
He means the world to me
And bickering with him lightens up my life
In ways I cannot possibly adequately express in words

When I quarrel with Dad I inevitably turn and see my siblings
Glaring at me from the sidelines
(Most, if not all, come running when Dad and I have our ďdiscussionsĒ)
I watch as they defend him (they are so quick to do so)
I pace myself of course
And counter all their arguments nimbly
I love them, I do,
But at times they try my patience (sometime, more so than Dad)

Again, they are all family
And fighting is half the fun (so to speak)

Once my mission is accomplished (I slayed the Dragon and only slightly battered its children)
I then leave and go to work on the next aspect of my day
(I mustnít forget Mother, after all)
I pen a note to her (since she is rather . . . difficult to reach in person or via phone)
And notify her of my achievement
I beat him again, Mother
Itís a temporary victory I know
But Iíll take them as I can get them

I drop off my note
And my cell rings
My friend (yes, I do have one friend) calls
His son (who was once mine) chipped a tooth
We commiserate (I have a little one too and can relate to booboos)
This little one is another significant part of my life
He is the son I had who was never mine
But I retain my memories of our time as a family
And he will always be an important part of my life
My sister is raising him with said friend
And yes, my life is a like a soap opera
But that just means my life is never (ever) dull

I return home
To the most significant facet of my day
My wife
Our child
And quality family time ensues

My family and friends are the cornerstone of my life
And they help me ride out the turbulent times I encounter
Without them, I am nothing
With them, I thrive

I am me because of them
If not for them Iíd be a different alien completely
And I wouldnít change them or the lessons theyíve taught me (which are too numerous to list or even mention) for anything in the world

To put it succinctly, the everyday nonsensical interactions
With my family, friends and the people in my daily life complete my ten (and more) reasons

I love my life because of ALL of them
(Yes, even Big Daddy, aka The Bear)
Because . . .
Because of my daughterís tears, laughter and her entire being thrill me
Because my wife means everything
Because my father, the same man who infuriates me, also challenges me (in this family, that means a lot)
My siblings, who put up with what I call banter but they consider annoyances, seem to always find the answer to my latest conundrum (some of which they themselves created!)
My friends (which I know I have too few of) encourage me no end
My mother (yes, even her) reminds me why I am the way I am (we all come from someone and I come from a rather mixed bag of treats and tricks)

And because I am me and they are them and all together we become . . . an indomitable force . . .

I love them all
And because of them, I love Life . . .

4  Center Stage / Director's Cut / Re: November Challenge - Ten Reasons to Love Life
 on: 02/28/14 at 05:46:35 
Started by Titania | Post by Titania  
No problem with late submissions - I didn't get around to posting a January or February challenge, so a late November challenge is fine!

5  Center Stage / Stage Right / Week 5
 on: 02/24/14 at 09:46:44 
Started by Undine | Post by Undine  
Anyone home?

I must say, I can see why SB initially had a hard time finding an audience.  If it wasn't for the fact that Lane Davies has a way of inspiring me with a passion stronger than the heat of a thousand suns, I'd have a hard time sitting through some of this stuff.  And even Mason was kind of a weird drip in these early days.

Thank heavens for Nick Coster.  Aside from Lane, he was always SB's great saving grace.

6  Center Stage / Stage Left / My new collages from M&M photos.
 on: 02/21/14 at 09:23:47 
Started by Jeny1976 | Post by Jeny1976  
Hello everyone †Smiley!

I have accumulated some new collages of "Mason and Mary"
and "Santa Barbara." So I want to share them with you.






A lot of my works you can be found here https://www.facebook.com/laindav

Yours Smiley

7  Center Stage / Stage Left / Re: ♫ Lane Davies as gentle as hottest beloved ♥
 on: 02/21/14 at 09:11:20 
Started by Jeny1976 | Post by Jeny1976  
amgoth2000 wrote on 06/27/10 at 09:58:38:
What a lovely song!! †And it matches perfectly with the video, I don't how you did what you did but it's great :D †Thanks!

Yes, it more because this is such lovely song!!!  ::)

8  Center Stage / Stage Left / Re: ♫ Lane Davies as gentle as hottest beloved ♥
 on: 02/21/14 at 08:01:23 
Started by Jeny1976 | Post by Jeny1976  
Jeny, WOW I really, really love your video and the song by Darren Hayes - Ocean I think it fit Mason & Mary, just love those 2 Lane & Harley, what a beautiful love story!!!...

Today I tell you those kind words too later may be? Because it was a few years ago. But never too late just say THANK YOU! Smiley

9  Center Stage / Stage Left / Re: ♫ Mason ♥ Mary = beauty ♫
 on: 02/21/14 at 07:54:13 
Started by Jeny1976 | Post by Jeny1976  
I rewatched this great video, I could watch Mason & Mary love video's all day long and be so extremely happy until the end!!!Such a terriblly bad & sad ending by the writers of the show bad, bad, bad!!!...

Oh, I was not here too long, but you know how much I love you, Trish!!! Your messages and emails.... always is very smart and accurate. Thanks for everything! Wink

10  Center Stage / Stage Left / Re: ♫ Mason ♥ Mary = beauty ♫
 on: 02/21/14 at 07:46:55 
Started by Jeny1976 | Post by Jeny1976  
ua4llh wrote on 05/02/11 at 12:41:12:
Hello Dear Mr. Davis! My name is Leila. I hasten to apologize for my English. †I from Russia. First of all I want to thank you for playing Mason in a series of Santa Barbara! I think that you have received and continue to receive many such letters. I want to tell You my story. The episode I watched solely because of your hero Mason and stopped to look when You are gone from the series, but it does not matter. I want to tell You how a †series changed †my life. I was in love with a pair of Mary Mason. Until then, as Mary did not die, I do not understand what it means to me this character. Sometimes I †annoy †from her behavior that she does not trust Mason, ran away from him, but when I saw the series, where she died, something happened to me. All night I cried and then started to analyze Mary. I felt that Mary is the purest and compassionate woman, kind, loving creature, from all those with whom I have ever seen. I remembered that she was a former nun, so I thought she was Christian. And I felt very ashamed for my actions and sins, because I †can not go to any comparison with her. Then I started to compare himself with the Lord, tears of remorse and shame for himself pouring out of me! That night I repented and decided to change their lives and become a Christian. This episode of Santa Barbara has helped me to meet with the Lord and change my life!
I want to ask Your forgiveness for my impertinence, but † I want to beg You or even invent a continuation of the series with you and Harley Kozak in the lead role! Please! You can not imagine how many thousands and perhaps Millions of your fans would be happy! As it would be nice to see a sequel, where Mary was living would, and they would meet in a few years, and would be happy together! Many years have passed, But the death of this character, and missed happiness Mason is haunted by many fans of the show! How many people you could make happy, if you come up with the continuation of this love story! Smiley
With sincere respect to you and hope, Leila.

Hey,  Leila - ua4llh  Wink

I understand that your message was not addressed to me and now is very later, but... But I tell you that I share your feelings! Thank you for your very hot post!

Jeny  Smiley